hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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