my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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