Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
