I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
