ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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