remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
