textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
