My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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