Need sex. Gaining weight.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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