just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
