he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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