I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
