She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
