is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
