My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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