Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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