Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
