I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
