It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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