I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
