Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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