enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
