Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She bit a glass in half.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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