I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
