so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
