Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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