he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
