I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
