I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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