my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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