No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Randomize
