we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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