I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
