Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You are the jesus of drinking
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
