it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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