im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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