Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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