This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
it glows. i had to have it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
