what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
