I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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