We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
