The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
