Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
