she woke up with a sticky ear
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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