the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
