the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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