I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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