did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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