I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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