I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
