Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
